Howie mandel

Howie Mandel... Howie, which is short for, Howishestillfamous Mandel, proves that no matter how much good surgical gloves may do... there will always be the one horrible thing they couldn't stop.

Why did anyone laugh at that anyway? More importantly, why did some asshole show him how to get that glove off? But now isn't the time to hate the poor taste we've had in the past. We can't go back and try to figure out the mystery of why "Hyper-color" tee shirts were hot items, I guess the idea of having your shirt turn a different color around your armpits was ideal for people who weren't satisfied by the embarrassment of sweat stains alone. And I do remember a time when I was mesmerized by the hypnotic rhythm of death provided by a "Bug-Zapper" on a hot summer night... I guess it's that same area of the brain that was stimulated by the comedy of Howie Mandel.

So what's done is done, and that's not why I've saved a seat for him on the rocket. No, It's his status as a self proclaimed "Germ-a-phobic" that really earns him this one way trip. I mean, what a douche. Why do people entertain this bullshit? Shake his fucking hand! if he doesn't like it, here's an idea, don't host a fucking game show... you idiot! People give him that queer hand bump to respect his disorder, his disease... That's not a disease, cancer is a disease. That's just someone who is doing something stupid, knows it, and chooses not to stop. We need to take a stand, sometimes people need to be slapped silly and told "Hey, knock off the bullshit! If you won't try and be normal, then don't expect everyone else to accommodate you, just shake hands and go scrub them 50 or 60 times a day, in shameful privacy, like most respectable wackos!"

I want to go on that Deal or No Deal show, I don't care if I don't win a cent, all I want is to go straight up to him with my hand out, and stand there until he shakes it. I'm sure he'll try and squirm out of it, all his little "handlers" will be scurrying around in chaos, he'll storm off to his dressing room and refuse to go on with the show... I'll be escorted off and not get to play, but it'll be worth it, just so I can yell "Fuck You, you germ freak... you're an asshole, and you sucked on Perfect Strangers!" I KNOW that wasn't him, but doesn't he look like cousin Balki? Well, he's just as annoying anyway..

You know, maybe I don't want to shake hands anymore either, From now on I'm only going to lock my legs around people and hump them like a dog for about thirty seconds to say hi, because I'm afraid of germs, and I expect anyone I meet to let me do it and do it back, because I've decided it's a disease and refuse to accept it may just be I'm an asshole.

The punchline is, he is going to waste his life worrying about germs, and wind up getting hit by a bus. Luckily for him, I have no idea where he lives, most likely in a bubble somewhere, and I don't drive a bus. But I do have this rocket, and I'm going to squeeze him in between a shirtless Al Roker and Perez Hilton, no arm rests either... Oh, and his seat, made from used hospital sheets.

Hookers with Decent Credit?

One thing that the typical prostitute is generally not willing to do with her hands is balance a checkbook, so more often then not, she mismanages her wealth and lives in substandard conditions. But, due to circumstance, a privileged few do live a life of luxury.
Shining as a beacon of hope to the less fortunate pavement pounding sisters, these chosen few walk different streets... like Rodeo Drive, and Madison Avenue. We're not talking about high-priced call girls like Heidi Fleiss, those women might make more money, but they are still doing it to earn a living. We're talking about someone who usually has plenty of money, but they crave attention though, and lots of it... This person is, the "Media Whore"!

La Toya Jackson. Here we see LaToya dressed in her work uniform, as Captain and Chief Engineer of the "Michael Jackson Gravy Train". Due to her brother Jermaine Jackson's new "Express Line Service" to the same destination, she has had to work extra hard since Michael died. If she had been born in any other family, LaToya would likely be holding down a street corner somewhere asking guys if they were a cop in an attempt to peddle her wares... and by wares, I mean orifices.
Luckily for her orifices, she has plenty of gossip about Michael and the rest of her family to peddle instead. Michael's loss really was a tragedy, but LaToya, we still don't care about you... No matter how many talented siblings you might have had in your family... Oh yeah, it was 2.
Look out Janet, about a year from now LaToya is going to be circling closer and closer to you, like one of those donation funnels you roll a quarter into. Still irrelevant, yet getting tons of press, LaToya, please be the Captain of this Rocket to the Sun? You've already got the hat...

If you've ever tried to picture a crack-whore with an expense account, look no further... Ann Coulter, proof that a botched sex change can cause a post-op transsexual to shit out their mouth.

Like most bottom feeders, Ann's has a specialized mouth, Ideal for scraping algae and waste from the sea floors or the side of a fish tank. But it wasn't until the age of forty, when she was released into a Republican GOP Headquarter hot-tub, that she finally discovered her true calling.

Unfortunately, as part of "Catch and Release" legislation sponsored by the liberal agenda, Ann was pried from the part of Rush Limbaugh where balls would normally be, and tossed back into nature. Ann never forgot how the flotsam and jetsam of the ultra conservatives, and neo-nazis had sustained her for what she thought, were maybe the best sixty years of her life.

Seen in this photo on the left, Ann began living as a human girl after her release at the age of 100, and several poorly performed facial reconstruction surgeries later. Still, she never gave up, Ann knew she was meant for greater things.

With a final operation to be de-clawed, and have her gills removed and fashioned into a make-shift vagina, her transformation was complete. It's been at least another twenty years of spewing hate since, and Ann hasn't looked back. Maybe it's because so much of her life was spent underwater, draining nutrients from republic assholes, but she can't seem to get tired of hearing her own, new found, voice.

Congratulations Ann! You are today's "Profiles of Cuntittude"

Elisabeth Hasselbeck? This is what we'd be losing should Elisabeth get on this rocket. Her creative talent? Such as her football themed maternity line (for real). I'm all for pregnant woman playing football, but Elisabeth, what if someone read that tee shirt and thought it was instructional? Or if some prankster wrote "In the Stomach" on the back of the shirt? It's just not a good idea! She supported something even more dangerous than pregnant women getting kicked in the stomach... Sarah Palin as Vice President of the United States... WHAT were you thinking? Well wait a minute, that's assuming a lot... WHAT were you doing?

People, Elisabeth is just someone who went on Survivor, that's it, that's the only reason anyone knows who she is! She is no different than the girl who shit on the floor in "Flavor of Love", yet somehow she gets to spout her small minded opinion to the world.

Elisabeth's main problem is, she has a narrow scope of reference to draw from, which makes her blindly ignorant. Ignorant to real life struggles, not just to horrific situations, but even to the basic struggles faced by most of the rest the country everyday. Elisabeth's toughest problem in life has been avoiding gluten in her diet... how can anyone expect her to understand what it's like to have NO money (and no, being on Survivor Island doesn't count), or not being treated equally? Please put her on the rocket, the world of maternity clothes can bear her loss...

Today Show Update... and Kanye too...

The Today show is at it again... Once again they do a segment on 20 different new toys, and they literally run this poor woman through each one like she's running a fucking marathon. Why doesn't a producer ever just take control and say, this doesn't make any sense and the pace is all wrong. Being introduced to these new items might actually be interesting, so stop rushing through it, just so we can slooooowww down and have more time for useless banter between people who are not interesting at all!
Which brings me to the Al Roker quote of the day... On another totally rushed cooking segment directly after that last bit, Al asks "what's the difference between wild salmon and farm raised salmon?" Uhhhhhhh, well I'm know "cooking expert" but my guess would be, that one is wild and one is farm raised? Any other hard-hitting questions for the cooking expert Al? See if you can find out the difference in function between the "freezer" and the "toaster"? Good work, Jackass.

Kayne apologized on Jay Leno last night... didn't buy it, but he took his glasses off, so he must have been sincere? He said he didn't realize what he was doing would hurt anyone... well what the fuck did you think you here doing? Did you think Taylor would be so starstruck and thrilled to see you and have you basically say she didn't deserve the award she was just giving thanks for? What a genius you are. The worst part is, the entire time, he just had this underlying anger you could feel seething under the surface. He even slipped a bit and started blaming the award show for "not being what he dreamed it should be" or some horse shit. Listen, he does not want to apologize for anything, he thinks he knows it all and has the best taste in everything, so then Kanye make your own award show, and boycott the others. But don't show up to one and think you can act however you want and shove your opinion down everyone else's throat! Then he went on to start whining about how hard his life is, and he's so busy touring and making music... it's just so hard!
Give me a break! Anytime you need to take a break I'll be happy to trade with you man! It's your career, so take control of it and make your own time. Unlike most people on the rocket, I actually think you have talent, but you are losing it.

More possible passengers?

Kayne West? Kanye, Kanye, Kanye... you didn't have to wind up on the rocket, but you really don't know when we've had enough of you.
Confidence is great, but you passed DICK a few miles back, and crossed into DOUCHE territory at the VMA's Sunday. How drunk were you? Not just to think it'd be okay for you to charge the stage, but that you'd think America cared that much about your opinion. I don't even listen to Taylor Swift, but you acted like such an asshole, I actually felt bad for her. It's like they say, you may have a lot of money, but you definatley have no class. Please come back to Earth, so we can put your egocentric ass into this rocket... Don't worry, you can bring a pair overpriced garrish sunglasses, you're gonna need them.




Mario Lopez? Enough with Mario Lopez already, I just saw a new segment they are running on Extra called "Mario's Puppy Hunt"... are you fucking kidding me? I've heard of slow news days, but wouldn't it be more constructive just to flash an eye chart up on the screen for two minutes, so people can test their vision at home, rather than watching Mario roll around on the ground with a bunch of fucking puppies? What middle aged, single, sex starved female television executive tore herself away from watching "Gilmore Girl" repeats long enough to come up with this? "Oooh just think of it ladies, that hunky Mario with those dimples playing with his little furballs, and the puppies will be there too!" Jesus Christ, she probably left a snail trail on the seat of her big leather desk chair.

Mario is seen in this picture (on the right), possibly from the 24th annual Imagen Awards.

I wasn't that interested when President Obama was searching for a dog, so as you can imagine, I am even less interested when that kid from "Saved by the Bell" is looking... far less. Can we please just keep Mario practically naked, the only way he is mildly interesting, and stop trying to make him more adorable? You can't adjust the formula anymore you TV execs, that's the most you're gonna squeeze out of him. Or, here's a better Idea... stick him on the rocket!

Maiden Voyage!

How useless do you have to be before mankind is forced to take action? This privately funded project could well be the greatest achievement ever undertaken to rid the planet of pollution. No expense will be spared in assuring this rocket has the power to make it all the way to the sun, and since little money will be needed for safety or life support, I am confident we will succeed!

Now the greater question is, who is worthy to take this fantastic voyage? Clearly there is no shortage of candidates, it's really just a matter of who is the absolute worst of the worst?

I've created a short list off the top of my head for polling, but rest assured, there are many others to consider...

But let's get the bidding started;





Perez Hilton? Could there be a more worthy candidate? What does he even do? How this fat beaver-faced hemaphrodite ever got into the public eye for any reason, besides possibly being one of the people you see being taken out of there house on a flatbed truck, is beyond me.


He has one nerve to criticize Brittany Spears, or any even moderatley talented person, when he himself is totally talentless. Why would anyone with half a brain listen to anything this trainwreck has to say?



Here we see Perez looking like 50 lbs of trash in a 30 lb bag.

Al Roker? Whenever I by chance see a morning show, I think, who watches this bullshit? Then I realized, people like to know that as shitty as it is to go to work, it's better than watching the Today Show. Here's an idea, lets try to show someone how to cook a meal or introduce 30 X-mas gift ideas, only, let's do it in 45 seconds so none of it makes any goddamned sense! And what's the biggest steaming turd on top of that shitpile they call morning television... you guessed it! This dipshit flossing his teeth with a fuckin hotdog. I once saw Al on Jay Leno, and he was actually very rude to Anna Nicole Smith, then he told some lame story about threatening a young boys life who was dating his daughter. First of all AL, how dare act like Anna Nicole was anymore of a fucking freakshow than you! Oh, Al is such a hero, he lost so much weight... well until he gained it back. No, you got your stomach stapled or banded or whatever, that's not a hero... and why is Al interviewing celebrities and heads of state? He's a fucking WEATHERMAN, and not even a good one. Him with his "big disagreement" with Heidi and Spencer, come on, like Al Roker has the legitimacy to pass judgement on these morons! Enjoy that hotdog, fuckface!