Howie mandel

Howie Mandel... Howie, which is short for, Howishestillfamous Mandel, proves that no matter how much good surgical gloves may do... there will always be the one horrible thing they couldn't stop.

Why did anyone laugh at that anyway? More importantly, why did some asshole show him how to get that glove off? But now isn't the time to hate the poor taste we've had in the past. We can't go back and try to figure out the mystery of why "Hyper-color" tee shirts were hot items, I guess the idea of having your shirt turn a different color around your armpits was ideal for people who weren't satisfied by the embarrassment of sweat stains alone. And I do remember a time when I was mesmerized by the hypnotic rhythm of death provided by a "Bug-Zapper" on a hot summer night... I guess it's that same area of the brain that was stimulated by the comedy of Howie Mandel.

So what's done is done, and that's not why I've saved a seat for him on the rocket. No, It's his status as a self proclaimed "Germ-a-phobic" that really earns him this one way trip. I mean, what a douche. Why do people entertain this bullshit? Shake his fucking hand! if he doesn't like it, here's an idea, don't host a fucking game show... you idiot! People give him that queer hand bump to respect his disorder, his disease... That's not a disease, cancer is a disease. That's just someone who is doing something stupid, knows it, and chooses not to stop. We need to take a stand, sometimes people need to be slapped silly and told "Hey, knock off the bullshit! If you won't try and be normal, then don't expect everyone else to accommodate you, just shake hands and go scrub them 50 or 60 times a day, in shameful privacy, like most respectable wackos!"

I want to go on that Deal or No Deal show, I don't care if I don't win a cent, all I want is to go straight up to him with my hand out, and stand there until he shakes it. I'm sure he'll try and squirm out of it, all his little "handlers" will be scurrying around in chaos, he'll storm off to his dressing room and refuse to go on with the show... I'll be escorted off and not get to play, but it'll be worth it, just so I can yell "Fuck You, you germ freak... you're an asshole, and you sucked on Perfect Strangers!" I KNOW that wasn't him, but doesn't he look like cousin Balki? Well, he's just as annoying anyway..

You know, maybe I don't want to shake hands anymore either, From now on I'm only going to lock my legs around people and hump them like a dog for about thirty seconds to say hi, because I'm afraid of germs, and I expect anyone I meet to let me do it and do it back, because I've decided it's a disease and refuse to accept it may just be I'm an asshole.

The punchline is, he is going to waste his life worrying about germs, and wind up getting hit by a bus. Luckily for him, I have no idea where he lives, most likely in a bubble somewhere, and I don't drive a bus. But I do have this rocket, and I'm going to squeeze him in between a shirtless Al Roker and Perez Hilton, no arm rests either... Oh, and his seat, made from used hospital sheets.